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Hyposensitive vs. Hypersensitive Autism: What It Means When Your Child Craves Sensory Input

Written by markdegrasse@gmail.com on . Posted in Blog. No Comments on Hyposensitive vs. Hypersensitive Autism: What It Means When Your Child Craves Sensory Input

If you’ve read anything about autism and sensory processing, you’ve probably read about sensory overload — a child who’s overwhelmed by loud noises, bright lights, certain textures, or crowded rooms, and needs the world dialed down to feel okay. That’s hypersensitivity, and it’s the version most people picture when they hear “autism and sensory issues.”

My son Damien is the opposite. He’s hyposensitive.

What hyposensitive actually means

Where a hypersensitive child is overwhelmed by input, a hyposensitive child craves it. Damien doesn’t want less sound, pressure, light, or smell — he wants more of it, and more intense versions of it. He seeks out pressure. He seeks out loud sound. He seeks out bright light. It’s not that these things don’t bother him; it’s that his nervous system is asking for more input, not less.

What it looks like day to day

For us, hyposensitivity shows up most clearly around media and sound. Damien is nonverbal and communicates through about 20 to 30 signs. His favorite movie is Monsters, Inc., but he doesn’t watch it start to finish. He finds a single five-to-ten-second scene and replays it over and over — sometimes for hours — usually something loud and intense, like a scare canister going off with children screaming sound effects.

He also won’t wear headphones, no matter how many times we’ve tried. That’s a meaningful detail, because it’s tempting to assume a sensory-seeking kid would want the sound contained, close, and controlled through headphones. Instead, he wants it out in the open, loud, and shared with the room — which is a very different problem to plan around, especially in public spaces like airplanes.

Why this distinction matters for parents

If you’re a parent who just got a diagnosis, or you’re a few years in and still trying to understand your kid’s sensory profile, it matters a lot whether you’re dealing with sensory avoidance or sensory seeking — because the accommodations look almost opposite.

A hypersensitive child might need noise-canceling headphones, dimmer lighting, weighted blankets applied gently, or advance warning before loud environments. A hyposensitive child might need the opposite: more movement, more pressure, more sound, more stimulation, not less — and accommodations built around giving them that input safely rather than shielding them from input they’re not avoiding in the first place.

Neither profile is more or less severe than the other. They’re just different nervous systems processing the world in different directions, and treating every autistic child as if they’re sensory-avoidant misses a large group of kids who are quietly asking for the opposite.

You know your kid better than any generalization

There’s no single autism experience, and there’s no single sensory profile. If your child is hyposensitive like Damien, you’re not dealing with a lesser-known version of a well-known condition — you’re dealing with a real, valid, and fairly common profile that just doesn’t get talked about as often. Trust what you’re observing in your own child over the generic advice built for the more commonly discussed profile.

This article is based on Episode 1 of the Dads in Autismland podcast, hosted by Mark de Grasse.

Why the Divorce Rate for Special Needs Families Is 80% — And How Couples Beat the Odds

Written by markdegrasse@gmail.com on . Posted in Blog. No Comments on Why the Divorce Rate for Special Needs Families Is 80% — And How Couples Beat the Odds

My wife and I talk about this statistic more than almost any other: the divorce rate for special needs families is around 80%. That’s higher than nearly any other segment you could measure divorce against. If you’re raising a child with autism and things feel harder on your marriage than you expected, that number is why. You’re not imagining it, and you’re not failing at something everyone else finds easy.

I wanted to talk about this openly because silence around it does real damage. If you never hear the number, it’s easy to tell yourself a quieter, more dangerous story: life would just be easier if we split custody, or easier still if I wasn’t around for this at all. That thought happens. It happens to good people in impossible circumstances. But if you’re listening to something like this, actively looking for ways to do right by your family, that’s probably not you. You’re one of the people sticking around — and that deserves to be said out loud.

What actually breaks these marriages

A few patterns show up again and again in special needs families, ours included.

The load isn’t split evenly. In our case, my wife has handled the overwhelming majority of the research, the studies, the appointments, and the tests. There’s no simple blood test that tells you “this is autism.” Instead, you spend years eliminating everything else it could be — hearing tests, genetic testing for things like Fragile X, ADD, and a long list of other possibilities — before you land anywhere close to an answer. That process is exhausting, and it usually falls disproportionately on one parent.

Moms and dads get treated differently. I’ve noticed dads actually get something of a pass that moms don’t. People tend to expect very little from fathers — thanks in part to decades of media portraying dads as bumbling and incompetent — so when we show up calm and capable, people are pleasantly surprised and more forgiving. Moms don’t get that same benefit of the doubt. My wife has dealt with a lot more judgment and outright discrimination around her ability to “control” our son, especially before his autism was obvious to strangers.

Suppressed emotion quietly wrecks people. A therapist once told me something that stuck: you can’t selectively suppress emotions. When you choose to suppress one, you suppress all of them. What’s left is a shell version of yourself that can’t really feel or experience anything. That’s a miserable way to live, and it’s a slow, quiet way marriages fall apart — not through one big fight, but through both people gradually going numb.

There’s no requirement that you handle this well. But a few things have made the difference for us.

What helps

Treat the growth as non-optional. Autism, especially at the more severe end, doesn’t offer a lot of middle ground. You either put in the years to grow into the situation, or you risk losing yourself in it. That’s not a comfortable choice, but naming it as a choice — rather than something that just happens to you — puts you back in control of it.

Let yourself feel the hard stuff. Extra patience, more empathy, better emotional expression — none of that came naturally to me. I used to think I was a patient person until I had a child who tested it daily. Growth here isn’t optional scenery; it’s the whole path.

Push back on the “be a man” instinct. Some men will see a father get emotional and think it’s weak. I’d rather be honest about what this actually feels like than perform strength I don’t have. Suppressing it doesn’t make you stronger — it just delays the cost.

The odds are real, but they’re not the whole story

Eighty percent is a real number, and it deserves to be said plainly rather than softened. But it’s not a prophecy. It’s a description of what happens when the load goes unshared, the judgment goes unaddressed, and the emotions go unfelt for too long. Naming those pressure points is the first step to not becoming part of the statistic.

If you’re in the middle of this right now, you are not alone in it, and you are not the only couple fighting to stay standing through it.

This article is based on Episode 1 of the Dads in Autismland podcast, hosted by Mark de Grasse.

Flying with a Nonverbal Autistic Child: How We Handle Airplane Meltdowns and Stimming

Written by markdegrasse@gmail.com on . Posted in Blog. No Comments on Flying with a Nonverbal Autistic Child: How We Handle Airplane Meltdowns and Stimming

Flying with a nonverbal autistic child is a different kind of travel. There’s no quiet-headphones, watch-a-movie, doze-off flight in our house. There’s a five-to-ten-second clip from a Pixar movie, played on repeat, out loud, for the entire flight — and a plane full of strangers who didn’t sign up for it but are about to be part of it anyway.

My son Damien is 12, severely autistic, and nonverbal. He communicates with about 20 to 30 signs, and that’s it — no words. He’s also what’s called hyposensitive, which is the opposite of what most people picture when they think “autistic child.” Most autistic kids are hypersensitive — overwhelmed by sound, light, touch, or smell, and needing those things dialed down. Damien is the reverse. He craves intense input. He wants the pressure, the sound, the light turned up, not down. And he will not wear headphones — not because he hasn’t tried them, but because he’s tried them a hundred times and pulls them right back out.

That combination — nonverbal, sensory-seeking, headphone-refusing — makes airplanes one of the harder environments we navigate as a family.

What it actually sounds like

Damien’s favorite movie is Monsters, Inc. But he doesn’t watch movies the way most kids do. He finds one scene — often just five to ten seconds — and loops it for hours. His go-to on flights is the scene where Mr. Waternoose yells at his employees, followed by a scare canister going off, which plays a burst of children screaming. That’s the loop. Not once. Not a few times. For the length of the flight, out loud, on a phone held right up against his head.

One of the more memorable moments happened on the tarmac in Phoenix, Arizona, during a monsoon delay. The plane couldn’t take off, and Damien had moved on to a different loop: the Minions singing “Boyz II Men” at the end of Despicable Me. That one played for an hour and a half straight while we sat, grounded, waiting for the weather to clear.

The 3-step approach that works for us

We’ve flown enough times now to have a system, and it comes down to three things.

First, tell the airline before you board. We let the gate staff and flight crew know the situation directly: “This is Damien. He’s severely autistic. He’d wear headphones if he could, but he can’t — we’ve tried everything. He’ll have audio playing out loud for the flight. Move us if you need to.” Giving them the option up front does more good than people expect.

Second, introduce yourselves to the people sitting near you. Once we’re seated, we make that same introduction to each passenger around us — by name. “Hi, I’m Mark. This is Damien. He’s severely autistic, and he’ll be listening to this one scene from Monsters, Inc. for the whole flight.” It sounds small, but naming the situation out loud changes how people receive it.

Third, let go of what happens next. This is the part that took me longest to learn. We genuinely have to be okay if someone says, “That’s too much for me, I’m going to move.” That’s not a loss. If they said it was fine and then changed their mind, we already got what we needed — an honest, informed answer. Most of the time, people are fine with it anyway.

Why the mindset matters more than the method

Here’s the thing I didn’t expect: having an autistic child changed how I see everyone else on the plane. I used to be the guy in his twenties who’d get irritated by any kid moving, kicking, or making noise nearby — even with headphones on. Looking back, I think, what a jerk I was. Now I understand exactly what that family is going through, and I’ve got nothing but empathy for it.

That shift is really the point. Don’t walk onto a flight assuming everyone will be understanding, and don’t walk on assuming you’re about to fight the whole cabin. Just inform people. Set the expectation honestly, and let them respond to the truth instead of to guesswork. Most of the time, that’s all it takes.

You’re not the only family dealing with this

If you’re a parent bracing for your next flight with a nonverbal or sensory-seeking child, you’re not alone in it, and you’re not doing anything wrong by needing a system like this. It’s not about making the flight invisible. It’s about making it honest — for your family and for everyone sitting around you.

This article is based on Episode 1 of the Dads in Autismland podcast, hosted by Mark de Grasse.

ABA Therapy for Autism: A Dad’s Guide to Making the Right Decision

Written by markdegrasse@gmail.com on . Posted in Blog. No Comments on ABA Therapy for Autism: A Dad’s Guide to Making the Right Decision

Essential insights from the Dads in Autismland workshop with ABA professional Dr. Aarti Thakore from Central Texas Autism Center

When your child receives an autism diagnosis, Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) therapy inevitably comes up as a treatment option. As autism dads, we want evidence-based answers about whether this intensive intervention is right for our kids.

After six years of ABA therapy with my severely autistic son Damien and a comprehensive discussion with ABA professional Dr. Aarti Thakore, here’s what every autism dad should know.

Understanding What ABA Actually Is

The Science Behind the Therapy

ABA therapy isn’t about “fixing” your child or making them “normal.” It’s learning science applied to help children with autism acquire skills they struggle to learn naturally. Think of it as a highly individualized teaching method that recognizes how differently our kids respond to their environment compared to neurotypical children.

The key insight that changed my perspective: neurotypical kids are naturally socially motivated. When they learn something new, they’re unconsciously seeking approval, attention, and connection with parents and teachers. Our autistic children often miss these social cues entirely, which means traditional teaching methods fall short.

What Makes ABA Different

Unlike traditional education that follows standardized approaches, ABA therapy involves systematic observation of your child’s specific behaviors, selection of evidence-based strategies tailored to their needs, and real-time data collection to measure progress. If something isn’t working, they adjust immediately rather than continuing ineffective methods.

The Three Areas Autism Impacts Learning

Understanding how autism affects your child helps determine if ABA therapy makes sense for your family. Autism impacts three core areas:

Communication and Language Development This goes beyond just speaking. Some children understand language but can’t express themselves. Others, like my son Damien, have barriers to both understanding and expressing communication in any form.

Social Relationships and Motivation The social motivation piece is crucial. Neurotypical kids naturally want to please adults and gain social attention. Many autistic children don’t share this motivation, making traditional reward systems ineffective.

Restricted and Repetitive Behaviors When these behaviors are mild, they might not interfere with learning. But severe repetitive behaviors can create barriers that need addressing before new skills can be taught.

Is ABA Right for Your Child?

Early Intervention Considerations

If your child is diagnosed young (12 months to 6 years old), research strongly supports intensive early intervention of 35-40 hours weekly. The learning curve tends to be steeper at this age, and many children show significant progress within 1-2 years.

Older Children Need Individual Assessment

For children diagnosed later or those with different severity levels, the approach becomes highly individualized. Some kids might benefit from part-time group sessions combined with other therapies, while others need intensive one-on-one intervention.

Realistic Timeline Expectations

Here’s the truth no one wants to hear: there’s no standard timeline. I’ve met dads whose high-functioning daughters “graduated” from ABA therapy within two years. My severely autistic son has been in therapy for six years and continues full-time. Both outcomes are normal and appropriate for each child’s needs.

What to Look for in Quality ABA Programs

Professional Qualifications

You’ll work with Registered Behavior Technicians (RBTs) supervised by Board Certified Behavior Analysts (BCBAs). Don’t assume newer RBTs are less effective than experienced ones if they have quality supervision. For intensive programs, multiple BCBAs provide valuable peer review.

The Seven Dimensions of ABA

Quality programs should demonstrate:

  • Goals that are meaningful to your family’s real life
  • Measurable, observable behaviors they’re targeting
  • Evidence-based strategies with clear rationale
  • Data collection and analysis to guide decisions
  • Plans for generalizing skills to home and community
  • Regular assessment of effectiveness
  • Systematic approach to fading therapy over time

Red Flags to Avoid

Be wary of programs that seem purely compliance-focused, offer identical approaches for every child, or discourage parent input. Quality ABA emphasizes collaboration and socially significant goals, not rigid conditioning.

Maximizing Parent Involvement

Demand Collaboration, Not Just Training

The most effective approach treats parents as team members, not students needing training. Advocate for regular meetings (weekly or bi-weekly) where you can share observations about your child’s motivations, challenges, and progress at home.

Bridge the Home-Clinic Gap

One game-changer for us: requesting videos of skills Damien mastered at therapy. I discovered he could stack dishes and organize clothes but had never been asked to do these tasks at home. Now he helps with chores I didn’t know he could handle.

Know Your Child’s Motivations

You understand your child’s preferences and motivations better than any therapist initially will. Share this information actively. If your son loves trains, swings, or specific snacks, this knowledge helps therapists create more effective learning opportunities.

Addressing Common Concerns

The “ABA Changes Who My Child Is” Worry

Quality ABA therapy aims to unlock your child’s potential for communication and independence, not suppress their personality. The goal is helping them express their authentic selves more effectively, not creating robotic compliance.

Cost and Insurance Coverage

Most private insurance and Medicaid plans cover ABA therapy with an autism diagnosis. If your coverage is limited, explore supplemental insurance options. Some families also access funding through school districts or early intervention programs.

The Controversy Factor

ABA has evolved significantly from its early practices. Modern ABA emphasizes trauma-informed care, natural learning environments, and child-led approaches when appropriate. The field continues self-correcting based on research and outcomes.

Practical Tips for Getting Started

Questions to Ask Potential Providers

  • How do you involve parents in goal setting and progress monitoring?
  • What’s your approach to finding and using my child’s natural motivations?
  • How do you measure social significance of goals beyond data collection?
  • What does your transition or “graduation” planning look like?
  • How do you handle situations where strategies aren’t working?

Setting Realistic Expectations

Progress isn’t linear. Even basic skills like potty training can take years for some children. My son has been working on toilet training for over a year with gradual improvement. This timeline is normal for severe autism.

Trust Your Instincts

If something feels off with your child’s program, speak up. You know your child best. Quality professionals welcome parent observations and concerns as valuable input for treatment planning.

The Bottom Line

ABA therapy isn’t a magic solution, but it can be transformative when properly implemented with the right child at the right time. The key is finding providers who treat you as a collaborative partner in your child’s development rather than a passive recipient of services.

Every autism journey is unique. Some children thrive with intensive ABA intervention, others benefit from modified approaches, and some families choose different paths entirely. The decision should be based on your child’s individual needs, your family’s resources, and your long-term goals.

What matters most is that you’re seeking evidence-based support for your child. Whether ABA therapy becomes part of your journey or not, the fact that you’re researching and asking questions shows you’re already being the advocate your child needs.

For more resources and support navigating autism fatherhood, visit the Dads in Autismland Podcast and community. Information about the Central Texas Autism Center can be found at https://ctac1.com/

Remember: every child’s autism journey is unique, and this information is meant for educational purposes only. Always consult with qualified healthcare professionals for personalized treatment decisions.

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